Mawage, Awh Mawage! (sic)

Well, I've spent most of this blessed naptime cleaning so we'll see just how much writing I get to do.  This past week was a whirlwind and this week isn't looking like much is going to settle.  Having an anniversary and birthday back to back is ridiculously exhausting but so much fun.  It's basically a weeklong celebration.  With our first child turning five, it was a pretty important birthday so it was easy for our anniversary to get pushed to the back burner.  Which made me think: how come anniversaries aren't more important?  Maybe I'm just not tech savvy enough but where's the notification on Facebook for someone's upcoming anniversary?  I mean, I get it, a marriage is between two people and it's a special, intimate time and no one has to throw rice for you every year but with all the marriages failing, maybe it's time we cared more about other peoples' marriages.

We all know how hard everyone says marriage is.  Heck, relationships in general can drive you crazy.  There are arguments in a marriage that you can't share, awkward funny moments that no one else will get, and, of course, the making up after the arguments!  But what we can share is encouragement!  The truth is, most of us got married in front of a group of people, maybe not a whole roomful, but there were people there celebrating the beginning of something wonderful.  Shouldn't we still be celebrating with them years later?  Does anyone have anniversary parties?  I know there are vow renewals and I guess that's the same thing. 

Just thinking, I suppose.  Maybe next year we'll have an anniversary party.  If I haven't nagged him to death by then ;) 

My Island Getaway

Journal entry from 9-16-12

"Sometimes I feel like only now am I really living, really getting to know you.  In the midst of all the financial issues, any issues, there is an island of peace that I share with You.  If I could visit more often, if I could stay.  I fill up my bags with your peace and hope and bring it back to the people around me, my world.  Hand it out and then head back to get more.  The more I come to You, the more I will have to give.  The freer I will be.  My past haunts me.  People asking if I still preach.  Sort of.  To my children, my husband.  Nothing so 'high and mighty' as a pulpit.  It's embarrassing that it ever happened and at the same time that it isn't still happening.  Not sure what to think, what you think about it, if it will ever happen again." 

This is what I found when I decided to see if I had an entry from last year.  It's been a year since we lost the house and moved into this apartment that's actually bigger!  A year since I let go.  A year of figuring out when to hold my breath and when to just breath.  Kind of like swimming.  Get those two mixed up and things get a little more difficult.  I would love to say I don't so much care about the preaching thing anymore.  I care less but it's still there.  I've lost or purposefully thrown away most of my notes.  Honestly, I feel like I'm learning everything all over again.  Like learning to walk again.  Getting a new heart, new legs, new attitude.  There is a lot I don't remember because of my massive stage fright.  There are the parts of the service before and after the sermon but in between is just a blank. 

Watching God move this year has been amazing.  I know he was moving all along but I feel like this year I was actually awake to see it.  I've been hanging out at my island getaway more often and I can tell because I can certainly tell when I've been away too long! 

The Message puts it like this in Deuteronomy 30:6, "God, your God, will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your children's hearts, freeing you to love God, your God, with your whole heart and soul and live, really live."  This is what I feel is happening.  I'm finally letting him do the clearing away he needs to do to get me to a point where I can really live.  But I do know a thing or two about calluses.  I won't say much because they are gross and not a very popular topic but there is one thing:  they come back.  If you let them.  I used to believe that once "God had freed me," I could go on my merry way skipping down the yellow brick road and I'll talk to him again when I have another problem.  No, I know that the calluses come back and build up over time and experience and keep us from living, really living time and again. 

This is something I'm working on.  To stay close enough to the One who wants to work on my heart continuously, not so that I can be perfect, or "better than", but so that I can live, really live. 

 

The Scarlet Letter

The world.  In John 16:33 Jesus says he has overcome it.  That we can overcome it too.  But what exactly are we talking about?  Growing up I believed "the world" was all the bad people out there who were mean to me.  All the people that didn't know Jesus and so were destined to a life of depravity and craziness.  Little did I know how crazy a person can be and still love Jesus, but I'll save that for my autobiography some day!  Honestly though, it's easy to believe that all the stuff we need to overcome is "out there", is because of someone else's problem.  I mean, I'm not interested in overcoming the whole world when so few people have an effect of my life in the first place.  I also don't believe I can effect the whole world. 

But if I were to boil it down to a world that only effected me I could see how much my action, or inaction of late, matters.  If I made a list of all the people my life effects, it may not be the entire world, but it's a pretty long list.  Every day the list gets longer, too.  Now, I'm not about to have a list competition to see whose is longer and how effective you are but it's just a thought I've been having.  If I'm not fighting the "evil people" out there, what exactly am I supposed to overcome?  There's another list for you.  Homelessness, poverty, disease, loneliness, hunger, the list of things that plague our world, just here in a 10 mile radius, goes on and on.  But nothing on that list is going to get crossed off if I don't first deal with a huge scarlet letter that I've been dealing with for much too long. 

Apathy.  Even as I write this I want to deny it.  "It's not that I don't care," I begin.  "It's just..."  What?  Sometimes I go with the I'm Too Busy response.  Sometimes it hurts to care.  I'd love to hear about your sad story but it makes me sad so I think I'll change the channel.  And the truth is, most of the time I do care but I don't know what to do or I realize my caring should lead to action and that's where sometimes I'd rather just offer up excuses.     

Let me be clear.  I'm not trying to punch your ticket for a guilt trip.  I'm just thinking.  Maybe there are other reasons.  Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  I know I'm good at that.  I do believe apathy is sneaky.  I believe you can be ridiculously passionate about some things and have a blind spot when it comes to others.  It's easy to center your life around a certain purpose and forget all about the fact that there are a whole group of people you don't even see.  But even more than that, what good is amazing grace if, once blind, now seeing, I still do nothing?  Lord have mercy on me, a passionless, apathetic sinner! 

Why Can't "Our Daily Bread" Be Chocolate?

It's ten minutes until my self-imposed bedtime but I wish I had been in bed at least a half an hour ago.  My contacts gummed up so if there are a bunch of typos, it's because I can't see them.  I'm also listening to my husband argue football in the background so if I start writing what I hear, this could get interesting.  I can not wait for fall.  We had a cold spell a couple of weeks ago and overnight temps dipped into the 50's.  It gave me a taste of my favorite season and I cannot wait for it to get here!  I'm going to miss the swimming and the sun but these 90 degree temps are not exactly motivating for getting out and running. 

I've been dealing with back problems, neck problems, and now my knees ache.  I'm feeling very old.  I finally feel thirty-something.  I think it's too much sugar.  With my back killing me I know it was one of the things I turned to and I'm paying the price for it.  I need to do a detox but I really don't know if I have the will power.  My idea of detox is not having chocolate for breakfast!  I have been holding back on the coffee though.  I can easily put away about 3-4 cups.  I'm sure that's part of my sleeping issues.  I guess the one thing I am doing right is trying to get better?  At least, sometimes, it seems like I'm trying.  And then I look at the laundry and just grab another piece of chocolate! 

If only God's word were as tangible.  I mean, if I could really take a bite of that daily bread whenever I'm stressed.  Sometimes it feels real.  Sometimes I walk away from my devotions and I am full.  I want for nothing.  I get what I read and it really soaks in and satisfies and then there are the other days.  It's like pulling up to the table and expecting bacon and eggs and all I get is toast.  Slightly burnt.  With no butter.  I try to make it make sense and I try to "get it" but I walk away thirstier.  Does that ever happen to you?  On those days, I sometimes give up and get frustrated but it's always there.  The page with today's date on it but nothing written.  I come back the next day, and the next.  And maybe it takes a while but I can't just skip that part cuz it's all important. 

Maybe it doesn't make sense because I've already shut down.  Sorry God, I'm not in the mood to talk or learn today.  It is good that we serve a God willing to sit with us in those times.  The silent times when we don't feel like talking or even know what to say.  Maybe tomorrow we'll be more inspired.  Not that we are ungrateful.  Some days there is no victory dance, just a sigh of relief that we made it one more day! 

P.S.  I don't want you to think that I had a bad day.  Today was actually awesome.  We went to my mom and dad's house which is always fun and exhausting.  And I will be very grateful to drag myself into bed!  I'm much too tired for a victory dance tonight!

Back At It

I am going to try and run tonight.  I feel like I'm starting all over again.  My back has felt normal today.  I'm taking turns between feeling grateful and looking over my shoulder to see if I'm going to get knocked down again.  I finally went to the chiropractor last night.  We couldn't afford it but I couldn't afford to be in constant pain any longer either.  The chiro said my back was pretty much a brick wall.  He kept feeling it and saying things like "Oh man!" and "Oh my goodness!".  Evidently I have a neck injury from all my car wrecks that makes my back act up. 

But today feels better and so I want to get back out there.  Even if it's only for a mile.  I have to do something.  It's my antidepressant and I've been prowling around the house eating everything in sight as an alternative.  Let me just say I will be taking about a half gallon of ice cream and I don't know how many pounds of chocolate on my run with me tonight.  Not proud of it but may it melt off quickly in this heat!

My neck, my back...

Writing from my phone in bed because sitting in a chair is too painful right now. It's been a long day and I wish I could say I handled it like a trooper but I probably yelled at the kids more than I should have. We ended up having pancakes for supper, which everyone loved, thankfully.

My amazing husband biked home from work today. Halfway anyway. He forgot his water bottle!  It was amazing to be able to track his progress with a little iPhone tracker app I found. The kids were excited to look for daddy on the map, a little green moving dot!  We all got in on the action when he called for us to pick him up and we had to "hunt" for him and rescue him. 

Not quite sure what's causing my back issues. Maybe my lack of real running. I haven't been on much of a schedule ever since I hurt my back the first time and the dog got fixed. He can't run so I don't usually get out in the mornings to run without him. I can't feel like this though. I told Christian I feel like an elephant with old teeth whose days are numbered.  Okay so I'm a little dramatic but really. I'm done feeling so slow and helpless and miserable. I'm going to go to bed and hope some prayer and rest will help my outlook. Oh and today of all days I decided to skip coffee. That's probably my problem. My whole body is in rebellion until I give it what it wants. Lol!  If only coffee were a miracle cure. And chocolate. I'd live to 100 at least!