The Real Jesus

I'm going to reveal something to you that might disturb you.  It's probably not something you will hear in church.  Maybe not even something you would hear in your small group.  It might be something Christians in general would deny altogether.  But maybe there are moments when you've thought the exact same thing.  

There are moments when Jesus just doesn't seem real to me. 

Wait!  Let me explain.  I know he's real.  I know he's in my heart.  I know he's with me everywhere I go.  I know all the cliche' things we tell ourselves and the scriptures we quote so that we don't feel alone. 

But sometimes...I just wish...he were real.  Really real.  Like in my kitchen sharing a cup of coffee with me real.  I mean, sometimes I get jealous of the people that got to share a glass of wine with him at the wedding.  Or the ones that ate the fish and the bread while they listened to him tell stories. When John said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world!", he had no doubt.  A dove descended on Jesus just in case he did!  I wish I didn't live in an age where science could explain him away so easily.  Or medicine made him almost obsolete. 

Now before I go on, I know that Jesus has shown up in my own personal life.  I know there are disasters he has prevented and diseases he has cured.  My salvation is not in jeopardy.  I'm not losing my religion.  I'm not ungrateful.  I just wish sometimes that he were here. 

Maybe my sanity is in jeopardy.  Maybe I'm lonely.  Like a lot of us.  Whether you stay at home or not, finding  time to connect with a good friend is something a lot of us women push to the side in favor of other priorities.  Even though he is with us indidvidually he is also in the midst when "two or more are gathered" in his name. 

Maybe I'm afraid to listen for his voice for fear that I will hear my own making stuff up just to interrupt the silence.  Not that I can find much silence in this itty bitty house!   

This is an awkward post for me.  It's been tumbling around in my brain for a while now.  Not sure if I've unravelled it or tangled it up more.  It just seems like the more time I spend with him, the farther away he feels.  It only makes me chase harder, oddly enough.  I mean, regardless of how close or not I get to him here, it won't compare to what we will finally be able to share in heaven one day.  It will be the best cup of coffee ever!  So sorry for rambling!