This week marks my departure a year ago from the world of official employment to become a stay at home mom. I honestly never thought it would happen. It's just one of those dreams that you daydream about while you're at work like becoming a singer or a lawyer or winning the lottery. Well, that's what I would think about, anyway. Oh, and owning my own chocolate shop. Still gotta make that happen!
The difficult part about my job was that I worked at a child care center. A great one, with great kids. So in between fantasizing about being at home with my own kids, I'm being interrupted by little ones who need shoes tied, noses wiped, help with an art project, all the little things that keep us hopping as caretakers. My heart was being pulled in two different directions constantly. Add to this angst the fact that we were now so poor with my husband out of work that my kids couldn't even afford to be in school with me. I was a wreck. I had a twitch. I was having anxiety attacks. We kept getting forclosure warnings, and God was nowhere to be found. That's how it seemed.
Coming home was not a smooth transition. My husband got an interview with a great tech firm in town. So great, in fact, that I dared not get my hopes up. Of course I was jumping out of my skin at the idea of him actually getting this job because I knew then that I could stay home but do you know how many interviews he went to only to recieve a letter in that mail that said something along the lines of "Nice to meet you, we don't want you"? I prayed constantly. I prayed when he woulld bring an application home. I prayed every time he tweaked his resume'. So when this came along, I was so tired of praying but I kept at it. What else could I do?
The interviews lasted for weeks. He had at least four, maybe five. We went for broke. Literally. Most of the interviews were in a town almost an hour away. We had to get nice clothes for the interview. We had to borrow gas money. I had to take time off for him to go to the interviews and we had to find babysitters, too. Every call from him after the interview was, "They set up another interview." Two simultaneous reactions, "Thank God!" "Another one? We don't have any gas money left!" My poor husband, bless his soul, was also working on a certification and caring for three children, one not even six months old, all by himself. I know his nerves were shot. Oh, and he was still taking in computer jobs on the side. There were many nights where I know he didn't sleep at all only to have to take care of the kids all day.
I wish I could say we handled the situation with grace and patience and quoted bible verses to each other and smiled over dinner whilst waiting for God to work it out and maybe there were calm moments but for the most part it felt like we were in the rapids, holding on, desperately hoping our raft wouldn't tip over with the next big wave. I knew that if he got this job I would have to leave all the friends I had made over the years. I wondered if we would see each other again or if our friendships would get lost under layers of busyness and missed opportunities to get together. I began to prepare my heart for goodbye and at the same time, try not to get my hopes up too high.
Oh! I almost forgot! While all this was going on I had my wisdom teeth finally removed and ended up with a dry socket. If you've never had a dry socket, you do not know what pain is. Well, maybe you do but I had never experienced this kind of pain before. I had a dry socket for a week before I figured something was wrong. It must have never even started to heal. the pain brought me to my knees from day one but because I had to stay at work and keep my days for taking care of the kids while my husband went on interviews, I was delirious at work. In tears with pain. I have had two children naturally and that was nothing compared to this pain.
We were being crushed. By fear, pain, feeling slightly abandoned by God. It was to date, one of the hardest experiences of my life. Then came the news we had been praying for. My husband got the job! Not just a job, a career, an entire life change! He was free from staying at home with the kids and I was free to be with them. They wanted him to start right away. Uh, huge problem. I didn't work in a place where I could just say "See ya, suckas!" And even if I did, I didn't want to. I had to give my two weeks notice. He had to have tests and meetings. We were still in limbo. At one point he called saying he thought he lost the job because they were upset about working around my schedule. I called my boss bawling, telling her I might not be able to be back for my second week. No grand farewell, no last hugs and kisses from my work kiddos, nothing. But God did work it out. He heard every prayer and always had.
Things didn't turn up roses overnight. Being home was and is great and I cherish every day because our oldest will go to kindergarten in a year. For a mom, that is just too soon! We faced foreclosure that summer because we just couldn't get out from under the debt. We are in a much better place right now and I'm excited for what the present holds. I have great kids, a great husband and a great God. He is the morning star that lets me know our night doesn't last forever.
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