Beautiful weather, busy weekend!

It seems like I just posted a couple of days ago.  I guess I've been a little busy.  We've been getting outside as much as we can lately because it seems like the weather just won't stay nice.  The're talking about a chance of snow again!

Anywho, I've managed to get off the couch but I've also managed to get myself in a pickle.  I signed up for a 5k this weekend.  Trouble is, I only ran once last weekend and my hubby bought me a huge bucket of ice cream!  It was on sale or something but the problem is, I love ice cream.  Love.  Like I make a date with it after the kids go to bed.  It's not good for me to have it in the house.  So here I am, trying to run except now my tummy bounces along to the beat of my feet flapping on the pavement.  It feels like all the progress I made has disappeared with each spoonful.  Guh.  What's a girl to do? 

Run!  Run like a bat outta hell!  Do yoga, and weights.  Anything I can get my hands on, really.  We haven't gone to the gym because the kids have been sick.  Well, my hubby has but I have been using the kids as an excuse.  And the worst part?  This is my first timed 5k.  The other one was for fun and I hope this one won't kill me but right on the page they described it as a "challenging course".  It's for a good cause.  I will not die.  I will finish.  I'm adding things to repeat in my head as I get to the 2.5 mark.  I ran this morning but I was way too tired to do well.  I didn't even do all 3.1 miles.  There is still time.  I will make it.  And I get a free t-shirt! 

In other news, the kids and I are working on upcycling crafts.  Don't really have much of a template but we made a hanging bird bath from a water bottle.  I'm not so sure it worked.  Water bottles are being made with less plastic which is great but they are much less sturdy than they used to be as  a result.  My oldest found it in the yard and said we should use it.  We are also looking to make a soup can wind chime.  I remember seeing this one on Pinterest.  Ours may look more like a Pinterest fail but as long as the kids have fun, right?  We're gonna collect them and paint them and hang them up one way or the other.  I'll have to get a pic of the finished product.  My girl loves wind chimes!  No matter where we are, if she sees one, we have to stop and play with it. 

Not much excitement at the moment.  I'll keep you posted on how I do at the 5k and get some pics up on our projects.  Oh, and I'm going to do another 11:11 installment next time I think.  Till next time!  

Cops and Doctors and 5k's, Oh My!

Can I tell you how many times I've sat down to write and something else (usually the kids) pulls me away?  For instance, today a water main the the complex broke.  Second one in less than a year!  Yesterday the van broke down on the interstate.  The good news is that it was an easy fix, my fault really.  Yes, there was gas in the car!  Just not enough.  I had put some fuel pump cleaner stuff in when there wasn't a full tank of gas.  Well, I didn't do it.  Walmart did it.  Knowing that I didn't have a full tank of gas.  Thanks Wally World.  Oh well.

 But there's more good news!  My kids have now had the experience of sitting in a cop car!  Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?  Just as I puttered to a stop on the highway, a highway patrol officer pulled up behind us and offered to let us sit with him in his vehicle just off the highway while we waited for my husband.  We had been on the way to the mall but playing with the  windows in the police man's car was a pretty cool second.  Oh, and I got some major mom points too.  The officer was going to do a U-turn so that we could see my husband coming.  He puts the car in gear and my oldest yells out, "Wait!  I don't have my seatbelt on!"  I need all the mom points I can get!

My youngest came down with pneumonia and an ear infection this week as well.  I don't know if you knew this but the newest recommendation from the American Academy of Pediatrics is to let ear infections work out on their own.  Here's the link: ear infections.  This is what I was doing.  I knew that was probably what was wrong with her but I was trying to wait it out.  That totally backfired I guess.  Not saying the AAP is wrong or anything.  Maybe I missed the pneumonia symptoms.  The good thing is she didn't have to do breathing treatments or anything.  Antibiotics and she's back to her sweet onery self.  I'm now watching my middle monster for any signs.  Each kid is so different though!  Another meaning for watch and pray I guess. 

In other news, not working out is sooooooooo depressing!  I was almost down to my goal weight.  Almost fitting into my goal clothes and almost looking my goal hotness.  And then I ran a 5k.   And it was over.  I was so proud of myself but the moment passed and I found myself on the couch with a bag of peanuts thinking "What now?"  I realized I hadn't thought about after the 5k.  What was going to keep me motivated after that?  My biggest fear was falling during the race or dragging myself across the finish line, neither of which I did but what is going to keep me going?  Another 5k?  A 10K?  My brother suggested a mini-triathlon, which I have to admit I'm really thinking about.  I've got to find something measurable besides my waistline and the scale.  My other issue is, these suckers cost money.  Granted, not much.  Between $30-$40.  For our family, though, that's a chunk of money just to spend on one person's hobby.  Maybe I should just L'Oreal it and sign up for another one.  I have to do something, though.  Everyone tells you how uplifting working out is.  They don't talk about how empty and pathetic and flabby and pasty you feel when you stop.  Well, I mean that's how I feel.  Not about you, about me.  Moving on!  Maybe there's a Mother's Day 5k.  Hmmm.  To Google!

11:11! I Saw It!

Happy Monday!  Well here's hoping, anyway.  I'm excited about this post even though it may take me a while to put together.  I was in the middle of my devotions today when I flipped to the wrong page and landed on 11:11.  Made me laugh.  Not even sure what book it was but for those of you that know me well 11:11 is my favorite time of day.  I'm sure it is for a lot of other people and I always feel the need to yell out "11:11!  I saw it first!"  So there won't be much writng today because my thought was, why don't I find all the 11:11 chapters and verses in the bible and see if I can at least memorize some of them?  Whenever I see the time on the clock it would be a moment to stop and think about God and life in general depending on what verse I've learned?  Oh and read more than just the one verse.  Keep it in context!  Seeing as how this is completely random we could be talking about donkeys for all I know!  Well here's the compilation starting with Genesis.  Oh, and these are all in NIV. 

Genesis 11:11 "And after he became the father of Arphaxad, Shem lived 500 years and had other sons and daughters."   So far so good.

Exodus 11:11 does not exist

Leviticus 11:11 "And since you are to detest them, you must not eat their meat and you must detest their carcasses."  Yum.

Numbers 11:11 "He asked the Lord, 'Why have you brought this trouble on your servant?  What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me?"  I immediately thought of how I feel sometimes when confronted with a mountain of dishes or laundry.  Ungrateful, I know.

Deuteronomy 11:11 "But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven." 

Joshusa 11:11 " Everyone in it they put to the sword.  They totally destroyed them, not sparing anything that breathed, and he burned up Hazor itself."

Judges 11:11 "So Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and commander over them.  And he repeated all his words before the Lord in Mizpah."

Ruth  11:11 does not exist

I Samuel 11:11 "The next day Saul separated his men into three divisions; during the last watch of the night they broke into the camp of the Ammonites and slaughtered them until the heat of the day.  Those who survived were scattered, so that no two of them were left together."

II Samuel 11:11 "Uriah said to David, 'The ark and Israel and Judah are staying in tents, and my master Joab and my lord's men are camped in the open fields.  How could I go to my house to eat and drink and lie with my wife?  As surely as you live, I will not do such a thing!" 

I Kings 11:11 "So the Lord said to Solomon, 'Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinate.'"

II Kings 11:11 "The guards, each with his weapon in his hand, stationed themselves around the king--near the altar and the temple, from the south side to the north side of the temple." 

So I figured I'd stop at ten verses cuz I could study the mess out of some of these.  Not sure how many installments this will take but feel free to give any feedback on any of the verses that caught your eye/heart.  A lot of these I know what the surrounding verses are about but some of them are new ones or maybe ones that I've skimmed over.  Funny, I had planned on posting something about coffee.  Maybe next time.  Here's to surviving Monday!

And Now a Post About Food and Fitness

I try to work out.  Well, I try to try to work out.  I go on Pintrest.   I look at all the healthy foods and workout plans.  And then I go look through the desserts.  It's kind of a constant battle.  I know I'm addicted to sugar and chocolate is part of my personality profile.  And then there's coffee.  Glorious coffee!  I get sad when my cup is empty. 

So many blogs I've read have fifty ways to repurpose something or recipes for freezer meals for the whole month.   This is not me.  Well, I could probably think of something like "Fifty Ways to Wrestle Your Three-Year-Old Into Bed" or "Top Twenty Ways to Get Out of Sex Because You've Wrestled With Your Three-Year-Old Fifty Different Ways and You're Just Exhausted". 

I have to be honest.  This is no news flash to those that know me.  I am no Suzy Homemaker.  My sister can move into a house and decorate it at the drop of a hat.  I've lived here nine months and I have a calendar and a Glade candle I just bought last week.  Oh, and a clock!  It matches!  The white walls that we aren't allowed to paint. 

I'm not good with recipes.  I didn't learn to cook when I was young.  Now I love food but I'm more of a dump-everything-in-a-pot-and-hope-it-works kind of cook.  That hot chocolate recipe?  Totally Paula Deen'ed it.  I don't know if anyone has noticed, but if you use her recipes they are anything but exact.  She probably has someone on the side watching her every move but if you ask her how much sugar she put in, she'd say "Till it tastes good, y'all!"  And that's fine!  I love making food one big experiment.  Failure isn't so much fun but I grew up in a family where if mom messed up dinner, you ate it anyway.  There was no delivery pizza back-up plan. 

It can get really interesting when I get the kids in on it.  We've put peanut butter in chili before.  After that, my 3yo wanted peanut butter in everything.  It was not that good but he was so proud that he got to think up an ingredient and contribute to the final product that we've done a lot of experimenting since then.  Our cookies are stuffed with stuff.  Only having chocolate chips in a cookie is kind of a waste of a cookie in my book. 

Notice how I've gone from working out to food?  Story of my life!  This is me.  I am falling in love with running and I actually have muscles in my arms but I'm always gonna be a foodie.  I'm just trying to make healthier choices as I get older.  Plus the kids are watching.  One thing we've started doing to cut down on the sweets is we give away at least half of whatever sweet stuff we bake.  I love baking and it teaches the kids to be givers in a small way. 

I've got to go work out now.  Do about 9 1/2 pushups and call it a day.  Some jumping jacks if I feel really motivated.  I'm woking on "finding the balance".  It's different for everyone or I'd ask to borrow yours!

Glitter in My Coffee Part I

Look!  I figured out how to post a picture!

And another one!

Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to rotate the first one or I would have.  Yesterday started out with a ridiculous amount of glittler.  Of course this was after my husband left for work.  Not that he has a fancy job or anything.  I mean, he loves glitter as much as the next guy-which is not at all! 

The first picture is from my 18 month old daughter and the second one is from my three year old son.  My four year old son made something as well.  Contact paper with glitter and paint but it's in with the napping kids.  There was also shaving cream and corn starch.  If you haven't tried it you are missing out on a massage for your brain! 

My favorite thing about art is how you can give a group of kids the same access to art supplies and they will all come up with completely different designs.  My oldest doesn't like to get messy.  Sad, I know.  He's kind of like me in that way.  He also has different things he won't eat because of the textures like applesauce.  Just like me!  Now I'm all for getting messy with art and while you're outside.  I loved the corn starch and shaving cream.  Corn starch and water, the goop stuff.  Adding corn starch to paint.  It makes it silky to the touch when it dries!  Sorry if this is so rambly, I just love the process of art!

This is how art happens at our house.  We have limited space and because we live in an apartment I can't put up that many shelves.  I am also not a super organized person so I know where everything is but it looks like a mess!  The boys have an art caddy that holds crayons, markers, watercolor paints, scissors, small paper, and colored pencils.  These are kept in the kitchen by the table for easy access.  If they are feeling arty they can always grab  stuff out of their case and go for it!  Because I have a one year old, and a very independent three year old, the glitter, paint, and assorted collage materials are kept in their bedroom closet.  They know all they have to do is ask for those materials but I keep those materials out of their reach so I don't walk in to a rainbow on the wall after I switch the laundry! 

My three year old would think nothing of opening a tub of paint and glitter and going at it.  And while I admire his ability to set up his own art project, I don't really enjoy scrubbing paint out of the carpet after my daughter tracks it down the hall.  Thankfully this hasn't happened.  Yet!

My oldest is just the opposite.  He's not really big on getting messy so I try to have creative things he can do and still have enough freedom to make creative choices.  He's really in to cutting out shapes and oddly enough, even with all his texture preferences and not wanting to get painted, he loves chalk!  He also only loves dark colors.  He says he likes black and brown and blue because they are warm.  Like any worrier parent, I'm looking for signs of depression and totally phyco-analyzing all his paintings! 

It is totally different with my daughter!  Instead of picking one color, she points to all the different colors she wants.  She grabs the sequins, the glitter.  She creates with such energy!  It's almost ferocious the way she attacks the paper with her paint brush!  And she talks the whole  time.  I hear the word "pretty" amidst her jabber and singing.

This is the best place.  Letting our minds wander and tune out whatever stress might be buzzing in our ear.  Sometimes we talk about things that are on their minds, letting it unravel and looking for solutions to the problems we find.  Usually, we plan more art projects!  This afternoon we're going to was and maybe paint some rocks.  Where do art projects take you?  Ours usually end up in the bathtub!   

The Real Jesus

I'm going to reveal something to you that might disturb you.  It's probably not something you will hear in church.  Maybe not even something you would hear in your small group.  It might be something Christians in general would deny altogether.  But maybe there are moments when you've thought the exact same thing.  

There are moments when Jesus just doesn't seem real to me. 

Wait!  Let me explain.  I know he's real.  I know he's in my heart.  I know he's with me everywhere I go.  I know all the cliche' things we tell ourselves and the scriptures we quote so that we don't feel alone. 

But sometimes...I just wish...he were real.  Really real.  Like in my kitchen sharing a cup of coffee with me real.  I mean, sometimes I get jealous of the people that got to share a glass of wine with him at the wedding.  Or the ones that ate the fish and the bread while they listened to him tell stories. When John said, "Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world!", he had no doubt.  A dove descended on Jesus just in case he did!  I wish I didn't live in an age where science could explain him away so easily.  Or medicine made him almost obsolete. 

Now before I go on, I know that Jesus has shown up in my own personal life.  I know there are disasters he has prevented and diseases he has cured.  My salvation is not in jeopardy.  I'm not losing my religion.  I'm not ungrateful.  I just wish sometimes that he were here. 

Maybe my sanity is in jeopardy.  Maybe I'm lonely.  Like a lot of us.  Whether you stay at home or not, finding  time to connect with a good friend is something a lot of us women push to the side in favor of other priorities.  Even though he is with us indidvidually he is also in the midst when "two or more are gathered" in his name. 

Maybe I'm afraid to listen for his voice for fear that I will hear my own making stuff up just to interrupt the silence.  Not that I can find much silence in this itty bitty house!   

This is an awkward post for me.  It's been tumbling around in my brain for a while now.  Not sure if I've unravelled it or tangled it up more.  It just seems like the more time I spend with him, the farther away he feels.  It only makes me chase harder, oddly enough.  I mean, regardless of how close or not I get to him here, it won't compare to what we will finally be able to share in heaven one day.  It will be the best cup of coffee ever!  So sorry for rambling!

Riding the Rapids

This week marks my departure a year ago from the world of official employment to become a stay at home mom.  I honestly never thought it would happen.  It's just one of those dreams that you daydream about while you're at work like becoming a singer or a lawyer or winning the lottery.  Well, that's what I would think about, anyway.  Oh, and owning my own chocolate shop.  Still gotta make that happen! 

The difficult part about my job was that I worked at a child care center.  A great one, with great kids.  So in between fantasizing about being at home with my own kids, I'm being interrupted  by little ones who need shoes tied, noses wiped, help with an art project, all the little things that keep us hopping as caretakers.  My heart was being pulled in two different directions constantly.  Add to this angst the fact that we were now so poor with my husband out of work that my kids couldn't even afford to be in school with me.  I was a wreck.  I had a twitch.  I was having anxiety attacks.  We kept getting forclosure warnings, and God was nowhere to be found.  That's how it seemed. 

Coming home was not a smooth transition.  My husband got an interview with a great tech firm in town.  So great, in fact, that I dared not get my hopes up.  Of course I was jumping out of my skin at the idea of him actually getting this job because I knew then that I could stay home but do you know how many interviews he went to only to recieve a letter in that mail that said something along the lines of "Nice to meet you, we don't want you"?  I prayed constantly.  I prayed when he woulld bring an application home.  I prayed every time he tweaked his resume'.  So when this came along, I was so tired of praying but I kept at it.  What else could I do? 

The interviews lasted for weeks.  He had at least four, maybe five.  We went for broke.  Literally.  Most of the interviews were in a town almost an hour away.  We had to get nice clothes for the interview.  We had to borrow gas money.  I had to take time off for him to go to the interviews and we had to find babysitters, too.  Every call from him after the interview was, "They set up another interview."  Two simultaneous reactions, "Thank God!"  "Another one?  We don't have any gas money left!"  My poor husband, bless his soul, was also working on a certification and caring for three children, one not even six months old, all by himself.  I know his nerves were shot. Oh, and he was still taking in computer jobs on the side.  There were many nights where I know he didn't sleep at all only to have to take care of the kids all day. 

I wish I could say we handled the situation with grace and patience and quoted bible verses to each other and smiled over dinner whilst waiting for God to work it out and maybe there were calm moments but for the most part it felt like we were in the rapids, holding on, desperately hoping our raft wouldn't tip over with the next big wave.  I knew that if he got this job I would have to leave all the friends I had made over the years.  I wondered if we would see each other again or if our friendships would get lost under layers of busyness and missed opportunities to get together.  I began to prepare my heart for goodbye and at the same time, try not to get my hopes up too high. 

Oh!  I almost forgot!  While all this was going on I had my wisdom teeth finally removed and ended up with a dry socket.  If you've never had a dry socket, you do not know what pain is.  Well, maybe you do but I had never experienced this kind of pain before.  I had a dry socket for a week before I figured something was wrong.  It must have never even started to heal.  the pain brought me to my knees from day one but because I had to stay at work and keep my days for taking care of the kids while my husband went on interviews, I was delirious at work.  In tears with pain.  I have had two children naturally and that was nothing compared to this pain. 

We were being crushed.  By fear, pain, feeling slightly abandoned by God.  It was to date, one of the hardest experiences of my life.  Then came the news we had been praying for.  My husband got the job!  Not just a job, a career, an entire life change!  He was free from staying at home with the kids and I was free to be with them.  They wanted him to start right away.  Uh, huge problem.  I didn't work in a place where I could just say "See ya, suckas!"  And even if I did, I didn't want to.  I had to give my two weeks notice.  He had to have tests and meetings.  We were still in limbo.  At one point he called saying he thought he lost the job because they were upset about working around my schedule.  I called my boss bawling, telling her I might not be able to be back for my second week.  No grand farewell, no last hugs and kisses from my work kiddos, nothing.  But God did work it out.  He heard every prayer and always had. 

Things didn't turn up roses overnight.  Being home was and is great and I cherish every day because our oldest will go to kindergarten in a year.  For a mom, that is just too soon!  We faced foreclosure that summer because we just couldn't get out from under the debt.  We are in a much better place right now and I'm excited for what the present holds.  I have great kids, a great husband and a great God.  He is the morning star that lets me know our night doesn't last forever.   

Happy trails!

I have been journaling for many years.  It started after a class I took at a weekend teen conference.  I think I began in 7th or 8th grade to write songs, poems, my thoughts and prayers in general.  After filling this last journal I went shopping for a new one.  It took me four years to fill it, not because it was that massive but because most of those pages were filled with prayers and for many months I had nothing to say to God.  I've spoken about it in past posts.  Anywho, as I shopped around for journals, I noticed a trend.  Most of them had scripture, something inspiring to say, which is good.  I noticed, though, that a lot of them went beyond that.  They asked questions, wrote out prayers, and while all this sounds normal and good, it disturbed me.  Now, I do not claim to be wise.  I don't have wells of wisdom to draw from and each day presents me with new challenges that leave me befuddled.  That said, I couldn't help but feel that these journals were leading me towards a "right" answer. 

I know, I know.  Jesus is the right answer.  There are blatantly right and wrong answers in this world.  I believe in absolute truth, I do.  And even though my Christian experience pales in comparison to others I couldn't help but wonder, "What am I supposed to learn when it seems like all the thinking is being done for me?"

 Now, like I said, five years ago these journals might have been exactly what I needed.  Everyone is in a different place in their walk.  Sometimes the answers don't come easy.  I also know that I am rebellious in nature.  Not the graffiti, break your curfew, get wild and break the law kind of way.  I just bristle when I'm told what to do.  Ask my husband, it's not a pretty trait.  Pretty sure it's not in Proverbs 31.  I'm also curious.  I ask why.  I don't like things figured out for me.  I like to explore and investigate the situation for myself.  It just felt like everything was so cut and dry.  Nicely packaged with no room for reflection or questions.  I don't accept things at face value and that includes my faith. 

I have searched the scriptures looking for the Hebrew or Aramaic root and meaning and I have all the big reference books.  That's who I am.  It's mind-boggling and in the end I still don't have all the answers, which can be frustrating.  That's  where faith comes in.  If I can figure out God then that means I'm his equal.  Hardly! 

Like today.  The verse in my journal is "Follow the way of love." It's in I Corinthians 14:1.  Not much else to say.  How do you elaborate on that?  Pretty cut and dry.  The response is either "Sure thing, boss" or "No thanks".  And even though the response is easy, what does that look like?  It's so different for so many people.  What we think is a loving gesture offends other people.  What is loving?  What is helpful?  What is the most Jesus-like thing we can do?  Even the following passages have caused debates, fights and church splits.  It's referring to the spiritual gifts, specifically speaking in tongues and prophecy. 

Now, I'm not looking to start a fight or anything.  I just want to point out how difficult it is be a Christian sometimes.  How easy it is to sit back and follow the way of doctrine or man-made rules.  If we can compare ourselves to those things, we come off looking pretty good sometimes!  And then Jesus comes along and messes all that up.  He doesn't throw out the rules, he makes them look so puny.  If we all fail them, the only way for us outside of Him is death.  Think on the rules you or someone else has made for you.  They sometimes begin with "Well at least I don't..."  No matter how much we try to dress ourselves up by following our own rules and comparing ourselves to others that we have judged, the Bible says "our righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6). 

Following the way of love is not easy.  It is not cut and dry.  It is not a single act but something we get right or wrong multiple times a day, let alone a lifetime!  I'm just grateful Jesus is there to get us all going in the right direction whenever we find a path other than Him and get totally lost.  With that in mind, you may insert any scriptural reference that inspires you to keep going in the direction of love (Jesus).  Happy trials trails!

Color Running

I ran the Color Run yesterday!  I had an awesome team and a great time but I know I would have done some things differently.  I'm type A.  It's not a big secret to anyone that knows me but I wish I had slowed down and had more fun along the way.  I think I was so focused on the fact that I was actually doing a 5k, my first one, that I wanted to run the whole thing.  If I had only known that it wasn't even an option!  There were so many people there!  They said that around 10,000 people showed up for the event. 

The run was  supposed to start at 9:00am but with so many people they sent us off in groups.  We kept hearing the mc over the loudspeaker, thinking it was our turn to go.  By the time we counted off about five times, we were just ready to run!  Oh, and my coffee kicked in right as we were ready to go as luck would have it.  Yes, I drink coffee before I run, along with lots of water.  Studies have shown it helps amp up your metabolism.  Of course, I'm not talking about gulping water.  Nothing more fun than throwing it up or listening to it slosh around in your tummy while you run! 

We started off great but there were portions of the run that crossed roadways and I got separated from my running partner when the cops made half our pack stop.  That was odd to me but then, I'm a noob.  Things really slowed down at the color stations.  It was awesome to see people actually rolling in the color!  I thought about it but figured I'd trip someone, get trampled, or choke and have a psychedelic death.  At one point I turned around backwards to find my partner in the mess and fell over a cone, so that was sexy.  The pink station was where we stopped completely.  There were so many people and, unlike the other stations, there was no sidewalk or grass to branch out on, only a small ledge next to a ditch/creek that ran through town.  Some folks risked it but I'd rather live and get painted. 

The celebration at the end was like going to a night club in the middle of the day in the park.  There was dancing and color everywhere!  I wish I had brought my kids but I didn't even know that was an option.  Honestly, after learning how many people were going to be there I was okay with them staying at home.  They were going to cheer me on but my husband hurt his back so they missed out. 

If I hadn't been such a noob I think I would have slowed down but I felt like I had something to prove.  I guess I'll have to sign up for a timed one.  We are taking the family to a super hero fun run that sponsors child abuse awareness and advocacy.  The boys are really excited for their own "race". 

This is such a change for us.  We've slowly but surely started to make changes in our diets and lifestyles.  Cutting out fast food, not completely but almost.  It's just as much of a budget thing as a diet thing.  I had pop for the first time in months the other day and it made me feel so bad I can honestly say I don't miss it.  We used some tax refund money to sign up for a gym membership.  I love to run outside but for my husband it's been really helpful.  Plus, the kids love to go exercise and play basketball with dad.  Living in an apartment, our fitness options have been limited but we're figuring it out.  Our living room is really small and the ceiling is low but I can still do yoga on the days we can't get to the gym.  There is a pond not to far from our house that I walk to with the kids sometimes to feed the geese that hang out there.  We haven't been here in the spring and summer before so I'm sure we'll find a lot more to do as time goes on!

For My Grandma

I don't know if you have this problem. Maybe it's a woman thing in general. I think it is. Sometimes it comes in handy and sometimes I swear I'm ADD. It's the ability (or disability) to think about a bajillion things at once. Oh my gosh, the laundry! Add that to the to do list. You see what I mean? I'm hoping I can maybe only write about one subject at a time. We'll see if I have any success with that.

There is someone who has been on my mind for days. My grandma. Not just for days. She passes in and out of my thoughts pretty regularly. Her and my granddad together. The anniversary of her passing was on the third. Since she passed I've been looking for her. In my actions, the actions of my dad, my siblings, even my own children. Searching for what she left behind. My grandma wasn't anyone history books will write about. She worked until she got married and then she stayed home with the kids and kept the house and the family running. She survived the Great Depression and World War II. She got baptized when she was forty and expressed herself through art. I still remember watching Bob from "Joy of Painting" with her. I'm still collecting information about her because for her, whenever we came over she only wanted to hear about us. And so much happens in your past, I imagine I'll forget a lot when I get up in years as well.

The hardest thing about her death was the way she died. She was diagnosed with inoperable brain brain cancer in the fall of 2010. We had Thanksgiving and Christmas with her but she was gone by April. That's not how grandmas are supposed to die. They slip away with the angels at night. Their bodies grow full of years. So full that they just can't carry the years anymore and they slip out from under the weight and fly away. Grandmas are not supposed to be threatened by cancer. Their bodies are not supposed to be ravaged and wrecked. You see, my grandma was the caretaker. She was 80 and had just had her knee replaced because she was looking after my granddad. He was a few years older than her, already walked with a cane and his mind was starting to go. Grandma was still driving, doing everything to help granddad. We had all thought granddad was going to go first, or at least that was my logic. And then the cancer came and wrecked everyone's plans. And it's not fair.

Fairness is where my logic is wrong, though. If I get to decide when it is fair for someone to die or not, I'm playing God. I have a hard enough time playing the role as myself. I could no more choose her end then I can mine. In the end, she did fly away. Not from years, but from pain. She wasn't alone. You were there to meet her.

Granddad passed within a year and a half, in his sleep. They had been married 62 years and only had to spend a year and a half apart. Of course we knew that he wouldn't stay long without her. Why would he want to? Sure there were children and grand-children, even great grand-children, but the love of his life was calling him home. He passed within two days of her birthday. His mind had slipped away pretty quickly after she passed but I still think he remembered her birthday. Maybe he forgot why the day wasy important but in his heart he felt her.

I feel her too. In the kitchen when I use her old dishes, when the cardinals come to eat at the birdfeeder. I see her in the face of my daughter. Oddly enough, one of her brothers gave her the nickname Ya-Ya, which means "grandmother" in Greek. They are both still around. We carry them with us in our hearts and memories and even though the end wasn't wrapped up in a pretty bow like I had hoped, it's not really the end anyway, so that's okay

Hot Chocolate is a Color

So I apologize for the title of my previous post!  My husband saw it and commented, "Really?"  Not very beautiful, in retrospect.  But that's what this blog is about.  It's about the beautiful moments and the ugly moments.  The times when I'm glad to have crossed off all the things on my to-do list and those crazy days when I'd rather be anything but busy.  It's trying to find time to savor live and not let it pass you by in  the same breath. 

 I had a moment like that the other day.  It was our last  snow.  After spring had officially begun but at least we finally had a snow we  could have some fun in!  I took the kids out sledding and stomping and we made a miniature snowman.  After we had stripped off all the cold, soaked boots, gloves, and snow suits the kids settle down to watch "Word World" and I headed off to make them some hot chocolate and lunch.  As I'm laddling the hot chocolate into their cups I realize that this is one of those moments I dreamed about in college.  And the fact that I had the presence of mind to be aware of how awesome that moment was while it was happening is an amazing gift!  I realize it's a little late to put a hot chocolate recipe up but there are still some cool nights and mornings hanging around. 

Easy Hot Chocolate

4 cups milk or whatever substitute you like (we used 1%)
1/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup brown sugar (you can use honey but the heat will kill the healthy enzymes)
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla

Put all the ingredients in a sauce pan and heat.  Don't let it boil though!  You can always swap out the spices and put in pumpkin spice or switch up the vanilla for mint extract.  This isn't an exact recipe.  Play with the sugar to your liking, add more or less chocolate as you like (I'm a chocoholic).  If you like spice, add some cayenne pepper.  This recipe was only a small batch for the kids so it serves between 4-6 depending on whether or not you have some hot chocolate junkies.  Have fun with it!

In other news, I'm running my first 5k this weekend!  The Color Run!  I've always been a runner but never in a competitive way.  It's one of my favorite fitness outlets.  That and yoga.  I have to do something to run off all  the chocolate I eat.  I'm one of those people who pins all the unhealthy exercises on Pinterest and then goes to the heathly section, pins an exercise routine, and does about half before deciding "Well that's not gonna happen!"  So now, instead of entertaining fantasies of running away to a spa and never coming back, I go pound the pavement and make sure I have enough energy to get me back home. 

Mental Vomit

It's 10pm here and the boys are still awake.  After begging them to listen and perform one task after another, my willpower has shut off.  Their father is a night owl.  If they want to stay up till midnight, I'm still going to bed after this post.  Welcome to my life as an imperfect wife and mother trying to keep it all together and make sure everyone is alive and  reasonably happy at the end of each day.  As a special treat to myself I started this blog in an effort to find more of myself and not lose who I already am. 

Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and a mom.  I don't take one minute for granted.  Okay, that's obviously an exaggeration as evidenced by my effort to pee all by my big girl self.  I have prayed to be a wife, that God would set me up  with someone that finally "got" me.  I prayed to be a mom amidst fears that maybe one of my greatest dreams wouldn't be realized.  But we all know that along with being a wife and a mom there is a part of us that existed before these titles and will exist long after the chidren have left and our husbands pass on before us. 

So here I am, writing while  I occasionally yell at the boys for playing soccer in their room with the lights off.  They're supposed to be asleep, remember?  I also have a daughter but she hasn't moved out of her crib so I know where at least one of them is!  At this time in my life I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is a computer tech.  We both have our dream jobs but there's always a story behind the smile.  Sometimes sad, sometimes challenging but a great story.  Everyone has one.  We just have to take the time to listen, to care more about them than what they can do for us.

 I had another blog that I haven't written in in almost a year so I decided to start fresh.  We are in a period of starting over.  My husband lost his job at the beginning of the Great Recession and we struggled for three  years while he got odd computer jobs.  I worked as a teacher in an infant classroom so when I say struggled, I mean it!  We started drowning in debt and lost our home to forclosure last year.  We have three children in a two bedroom apartment but the crazy thing is, this apartment is bigger than our house was!  If there is one thing that the whole experience has taught me it's that God is going to take care of us.  Through things that happen to us, because of our bad decisions, whatever brings us to the bottom of the pit, God will bring us out.  I used to pray for God to just throw me a rope, just let us out, let us come up for air.  When he didn't answer, I stopped asking.  Now, the saint would have realized that this was a time for learning, to "be still and know".  Even though I knew all this, I also knew I was mad.  Mad at God, mad at my husband, myself, the world, you name it.  It is hard to draw close to God when you are so angry.  And yet he waited.  He kept us afloat and waited.  Waited for me to give up my plan, waited for me to stop giving him the silent treatment.  It's crazy, but in my journals there is a huge empty space during this time.  I was not cleaving, seeking, doing all the things I had been taught to do or preached to others to do.  I sat down on the road and instead of running the race I quit.  There isn't much to say when you've said all you can and God either doesn't talk back or doesn't give you the answer you want.  My prayers were always the same and so was his response, or lack thereof.  Like I isaid, I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be an example to anyone.  There are lots of people who probably would have done the right thing. 

My moment of clarity happened when I opened the door and found the eviction notice.  I can tell you, that felt like rock bottom but it wasn't.  Rock bottom is being out on the streets.  Rock bottom isn't even being in a homeless shelter because at least there you have a roof over your head.  Rock bottom is when you both lose your job or a death sentence of cancer.  But there are people out there that may tell you that even those things aren't rock bottom.  When you realize how little you have, you get grateful real quick.  I woke up, I let go of the house.  I had us all packed to move within two weeks and we found a place to live.  God has protected us from things that could be so much worse. 
I apologize for the mental vomit on this page.  I'll clean it up over time.  God is still working on me.