Looking For You

I wrote this on a crummy day.  One of those days where, even if everything is going well, it all falls apart when one piece gets out of place.  Jenga!  And then I'm stuck starting all over again.  But it's funny how one aspect of our lives can make a difference in other areas, even if we'd like to believe that it isn't all connected.  I turned to my journal and found this verse from Matthew 28:6, "He is not here; for He is risen, as He said."  All of the italics are verses from this chapter. 


I did a workout on tv today.  The lady was very nice, very encouraging.  "You can do it."  She said it more often than I said it to myself.  I believed her, though.  "Why are you working out today?"  She asked the question more than once.  Well, why?  Because I don't like the way I look.  Because I signed up for a half marathon and don't wan to embarrass myself.  Because I need to burn off the calories.  My heart.  How do I grab on with my heart and want this?  I should work out.  I need to work out.  But unless I want to work out, my last workout might be my last ever.  I think I cried today because I was so ashamed of how little I believe in myself.  I believe in Jesus, my husband, my children.  But being physically able?  I have never believed that about myself.  It's time to change that. 

I am looking for you.  I am tired of being afraid.  Tired of carrying around this weakness, this burden.  This belief that I can't.  This unbelief.  I am looking for you.  I am done.  "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified."  I am tired of dwelling on failure, on the circumstances, on what happened.  "He is not here; he has risen, just as he said."  It's over.  That was then, this is now.  Even if my circumstance remain the same, my life is forever changed.  My outlook is forever changed.  If I choose.  If I choose to believe in you, in myself.  In the strength that is available to me through you.  "Come and see the place where he lay.  Then go quickly and tell his disciples"  'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee.'"  There is too much to do for me to dwell on what I have and haven't done in the past.  My future is not dependent on all the things I haven't done.  It doesn't mean I can't do that in the future.  There is no time for dwelling.  If I'm going to move quickly, I have to move.  I need to unbelieve all of it.  I am looking for you.