The First Day (Snafu) of School

It happens in most every family.  The first child heading of to their first day of school.  In and of itself it's pretty repetitive.  All the pictures, teary (or exuberant) mommies and daddies waving goodbye to their not-so-little children.  Well, this is my tale. 
It didn't go exactly as planned.  Life would be boring otherwise, right?  We saw Tobin off with the usual pictures, hugs, misgivings about whether or not school would chew up and spit out my child.  At least HE was excited.  I was too, truthfully.  I even managed to get in a run this morning but it was more for my nerves than anything.  Made a big breakfast that I'm sure I won't be able to keep doing every day.  Cooking while you're sleepy is hard! 
After we waved him off, Coen was sulky for much of the morning but we managed to check Tobin's school schedule and do something similar at home to pass the time and fill in the quiet space left behind by big brother.  Pretty smooth sailing for the rest of the day.  Then around 2:30 I started to look at the clock about every ten minutes.  Tobin's bus wouldn't be here till around four so occupying myself took some doing.  We made snack mix and "healthy" cookies.  I'd like my butter and sugar back, thank you very much.  Most of the cookies had to be scrubbed off the pan into the garbage disposal anyway. 
Finally none of us could take it anymore.  After the fifth "When is Tobin coming home?", I decided it was time to head out and get the mail and play.  The kids made a beeline for the bus stop after we got the mail so we ended up hanging out for half an hour.  Then the questions began again as 3:45 came and went.  And then 4:00 came and went.  Other parents were wondering, too.  Lots of pacing, bouncing on tiptoes and trying to see just a little farther down the street. 
I have seen many beautiful things in this world.  Chocolate.  Bacon.  My husband waiting at the altar for me and each arrival of my three children.  Seeing that bus make it's appearance at the top of the hill fits into that category.  I'm a little ashamed to say that I almost ran to the edge of the grass without a thought of my other two children.  I wanted him off that bus and in my arms, pronto! 
We stood on our side of the street while the bus driver let out the stop sign and put down the crossing bar.  Coen and Aria were yelling his name even though they couldn't see him yet.  I watched as one by one, each child came around the front of the bus and ran across the street.  I kept checking the traffic to see if some idiot was going to try and run the stop light.  My head was on a swivel what with watching left and right and not wanting to miss Tobin crossing the street right in front of me.As every child bounded towards their mom and dad, my brain checked them off.  Not Tobin, not Tobin, nope, not Tobin.  One of the other moms had brought her phone to video tape her sons getting off the bus for the first day of school in a new town.  Why didn't I think of that? 
And then I saw the bus door close.  And he folded up the stop sign.  Before I knew it, I was hearing the sound of the driver letting off the brakes.  But I did not have Tobin. 
None of the cars had moved yet so I waved my hands in the air and yelled for him to stop.  I yelled Tobin's full name to him and he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.  I could hear him faintly call for him and look in the rearview mirror but he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders again.  Right then a car horn honked as if this little scenario might be inconveniencing him.  If there had not been kids within earshot...I threw my hands up at the little blankety-blank like "Really?  What are you gonna do?"  The bus driver offered to let me on to check when I explained that Tobin may have fallen asleep.  I half expected this so I wasn't really panicking yet, feeling sure I would find my little tired man slumped in a seat drooling and dreaming away.  Made it all the way to the back of the bus.  Surely I had missed him at the front, bounding on as I had in my panic.  All the way back to the front again calling "Tobin, it's time to wake up!  Tobin the bus is here.  Gotta go home!"  My son was not on that bus. 
There must have been a misunderstanding, the bus driver said.  I'll call the office.  I wasn't mad.  Of course it's the first day of school, these things happen.  IwillnotpanicIwillnotpanicIwillnotpanic.  I didn't have a car.  Christian had it at work!  I had struck up a conversation with the other mom taking pictures.  She saw me come off the bus without him and immediately said, "C'mon, I'll take you to school to find him."  Meanwhile, Mr. Impatient Pants honked again because of course this fiasco had taken up just a bit too much of his time.  I wish I could say I gave him the symbol for "God bless you".  What is that, the sign of the cross?  But there were kids there once again so for some reason I hit my chest and took my best "come at me, bro" stance.  There was a dad on the scene that had a few choice words and I do believe I was called the b-word so that's going down in the history books. 
We race to her car.  Thankfully the school is only two seconds from my place and I RUN inside the school before I realize I've just left my children in the care of a person I've just met this morning.  So once again, my head is on a swivel between the front office of the school and this lady in what could be a getaway car with my other two children while I search for my firstborn. 
I tell her who I am and she tells me they put him on the wrong bus!  No big deal, right.  These things happen.  Thousands of kids on the first day of school and there are going to be a couple of mix-ups right?  The rational part of me is really trying to keep it together but then there's the other part of me who is a card-carrying member of the local Over-reactors Anonymous  chapter.  So they're putting in calls and trying to get ahold of the bus he's supposed to be on.  I'm going to break my fingers if I wring them anymore.  Trying to figure out when I should put out an Amber alert.  FINALLY they get ahold of the driver and ask him if Tobin is there.  "Nope." 
I'm sorry, my son is lost on his first FIRST day of school and you just said "Nope." like you don't know if it's gonna rain tomorrow or not?  The lady manning the cb radio and the phone almost loses her eyeballs and then glances at me, the lady who is now trying desperately not to grab the phone and do my best Liam Neeson impression.  She can't continue the conversation because of all the other traffic on the radio and asks me if I'd like to take a seat.  Take a seat?!  "Nope."  I'm doing my best trying to stay rooted to the spot and not run around in a circle while pulling my hair out!
She had to ask him three separate times if he had Tobin.  Finally he pulled over somewhere and looked for him.  Poor guy was awake staring out the window and probably didn't hear him or the driver didn't even see him.  He had been on the bus for over an hour. 
The secretary apologized profusely and said they would make sure it would get straightened out and then asked me if I still wanted him to ride the bus!  We'll give it another shot tomorrow.  The superintendent called (everyone) later in the afternoon with a message about the first day of school and mentioned snafus with the bus route.  Last kid got home at 5:00 so I guess I shouldn't complain about 4:30.  It was not the picture perfect ending to the first day of school but he survived and he's home and he still wants to go back so as long as my nerves hold up, we're all game to try again tomorrow! 

Looking For You

I wrote this on a crummy day.  One of those days where, even if everything is going well, it all falls apart when one piece gets out of place.  Jenga!  And then I'm stuck starting all over again.  But it's funny how one aspect of our lives can make a difference in other areas, even if we'd like to believe that it isn't all connected.  I turned to my journal and found this verse from Matthew 28:6, "He is not here; for He is risen, as He said."  All of the italics are verses from this chapter. 


I did a workout on tv today.  The lady was very nice, very encouraging.  "You can do it."  She said it more often than I said it to myself.  I believed her, though.  "Why are you working out today?"  She asked the question more than once.  Well, why?  Because I don't like the way I look.  Because I signed up for a half marathon and don't wan to embarrass myself.  Because I need to burn off the calories.  My heart.  How do I grab on with my heart and want this?  I should work out.  I need to work out.  But unless I want to work out, my last workout might be my last ever.  I think I cried today because I was so ashamed of how little I believe in myself.  I believe in Jesus, my husband, my children.  But being physically able?  I have never believed that about myself.  It's time to change that. 

I am looking for you.  I am tired of being afraid.  Tired of carrying around this weakness, this burden.  This belief that I can't.  This unbelief.  I am looking for you.  I am done.  "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified."  I am tired of dwelling on failure, on the circumstances, on what happened.  "He is not here; he has risen, just as he said."  It's over.  That was then, this is now.  Even if my circumstance remain the same, my life is forever changed.  My outlook is forever changed.  If I choose.  If I choose to believe in you, in myself.  In the strength that is available to me through you.  "Come and see the place where he lay.  Then go quickly and tell his disciples"  'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee.'"  There is too much to do for me to dwell on what I have and haven't done in the past.  My future is not dependent on all the things I haven't done.  It doesn't mean I can't do that in the future.  There is no time for dwelling.  If I'm going to move quickly, I have to move.  I need to unbelieve all of it.  I am looking for you. 

Good Morning 2014!

You know how when someone gives you something that goes above and beyond what you can even rationalize?  When friends hook you up, well, it's because you're friends.  They gave me a baker's dozen but I already bought a dozen, so it's an appropriate perk, right?  But when complete strangers give your kids free cupcakes just because you can't afford it, what's the catch?  What's the reason?  Why should YOU get a cupcake and not the next broke person?  Why can't they just have one and split it?  No kid needs that much sugar anyway. 
This has been the soundtrack of my year.  Countless times we have been loved on not only by people we know but by complete strangers.  And I'm left speechless.  Sometimes with gratitude, I'm definitely getting better at it, sometimes with wounded pride, vowing to avenge the attack of kindness by being kind to someone else.  Sometimes we call it paying it forward but I'll bet sometimes it's to ease the guilt.  The "who am I?" guilt.  Why not the next person?  How can I be standing here with my arms full when so many are still so empty?  Like survivor's guilt, I suppose.  How often have we survived a crisis just because someone reached out to us?
I don't know what your motivation is for giving.  I'm still working on mine.  Sometimes it's as off the mark as playing "Even Stevens" but what a prideful thing to think that I could ever even the score.  Sometimes it's nice to be in the giver's seat instead of the handout seat.  Horrible thing to say but who hasn't been grateful that they aren't "that person". 
This year has been a hard one on my heart.  Reshaping it has not felt good.  But I've been starting to get it right.  Giving because that's what I was put here to do.  Who else is there?  Instead of praying for God to send someone to help, just help.  Even though my help may be woefully insignificant compared to someone else.  And accepting because this is where I am.  I won't always be here but there are lessons here that nothing else can teach me.  An empathy that I don't want to wash away if we ever "make it".  Something that is starting now because even now I can do a small something.  And my kids.  Gratitude is contagious and I hope they never get over it. 
I could write a whole list of things I'd like to do differently this coming year, ways I'd like to improve, experiences I'd like to never go through again!  But really, I just want to end next year the same way I did this year.  Grateful.