Why Can't "Our Daily Bread" Be Chocolate?

It's ten minutes until my self-imposed bedtime but I wish I had been in bed at least a half an hour ago.  My contacts gummed up so if there are a bunch of typos, it's because I can't see them.  I'm also listening to my husband argue football in the background so if I start writing what I hear, this could get interesting.  I can not wait for fall.  We had a cold spell a couple of weeks ago and overnight temps dipped into the 50's.  It gave me a taste of my favorite season and I cannot wait for it to get here!  I'm going to miss the swimming and the sun but these 90 degree temps are not exactly motivating for getting out and running. 

I've been dealing with back problems, neck problems, and now my knees ache.  I'm feeling very old.  I finally feel thirty-something.  I think it's too much sugar.  With my back killing me I know it was one of the things I turned to and I'm paying the price for it.  I need to do a detox but I really don't know if I have the will power.  My idea of detox is not having chocolate for breakfast!  I have been holding back on the coffee though.  I can easily put away about 3-4 cups.  I'm sure that's part of my sleeping issues.  I guess the one thing I am doing right is trying to get better?  At least, sometimes, it seems like I'm trying.  And then I look at the laundry and just grab another piece of chocolate! 

If only God's word were as tangible.  I mean, if I could really take a bite of that daily bread whenever I'm stressed.  Sometimes it feels real.  Sometimes I walk away from my devotions and I am full.  I want for nothing.  I get what I read and it really soaks in and satisfies and then there are the other days.  It's like pulling up to the table and expecting bacon and eggs and all I get is toast.  Slightly burnt.  With no butter.  I try to make it make sense and I try to "get it" but I walk away thirstier.  Does that ever happen to you?  On those days, I sometimes give up and get frustrated but it's always there.  The page with today's date on it but nothing written.  I come back the next day, and the next.  And maybe it takes a while but I can't just skip that part cuz it's all important. 

Maybe it doesn't make sense because I've already shut down.  Sorry God, I'm not in the mood to talk or learn today.  It is good that we serve a God willing to sit with us in those times.  The silent times when we don't feel like talking or even know what to say.  Maybe tomorrow we'll be more inspired.  Not that we are ungrateful.  Some days there is no victory dance, just a sigh of relief that we made it one more day! 

P.S.  I don't want you to think that I had a bad day.  Today was actually awesome.  We went to my mom and dad's house which is always fun and exhausting.  And I will be very grateful to drag myself into bed!  I'm much too tired for a victory dance tonight!

Back At It

I am going to try and run tonight.  I feel like I'm starting all over again.  My back has felt normal today.  I'm taking turns between feeling grateful and looking over my shoulder to see if I'm going to get knocked down again.  I finally went to the chiropractor last night.  We couldn't afford it but I couldn't afford to be in constant pain any longer either.  The chiro said my back was pretty much a brick wall.  He kept feeling it and saying things like "Oh man!" and "Oh my goodness!".  Evidently I have a neck injury from all my car wrecks that makes my back act up. 

But today feels better and so I want to get back out there.  Even if it's only for a mile.  I have to do something.  It's my antidepressant and I've been prowling around the house eating everything in sight as an alternative.  Let me just say I will be taking about a half gallon of ice cream and I don't know how many pounds of chocolate on my run with me tonight.  Not proud of it but may it melt off quickly in this heat!

My neck, my back...

Writing from my phone in bed because sitting in a chair is too painful right now. It's been a long day and I wish I could say I handled it like a trooper but I probably yelled at the kids more than I should have. We ended up having pancakes for supper, which everyone loved, thankfully.

My amazing husband biked home from work today. Halfway anyway. He forgot his water bottle!  It was amazing to be able to track his progress with a little iPhone tracker app I found. The kids were excited to look for daddy on the map, a little green moving dot!  We all got in on the action when he called for us to pick him up and we had to "hunt" for him and rescue him. 

Not quite sure what's causing my back issues. Maybe my lack of real running. I haven't been on much of a schedule ever since I hurt my back the first time and the dog got fixed. He can't run so I don't usually get out in the mornings to run without him. I can't feel like this though. I told Christian I feel like an elephant with old teeth whose days are numbered.  Okay so I'm a little dramatic but really. I'm done feeling so slow and helpless and miserable. I'm going to go to bed and hope some prayer and rest will help my outlook. Oh and today of all days I decided to skip coffee. That's probably my problem. My whole body is in rebellion until I give it what it wants. Lol!  If only coffee were a miracle cure. And chocolate. I'd live to 100 at least!  

A Lead Foot in a Construction Site

How do you know if you're in a rut or a routine?  What's the difference and how can I tell?  Perception.  A routine only becomes a rut when you feel stuck.  When you feel like your routine is leading you somewhere you don't wish to go.  The difference between a rut and a well-worn path depends on whether or not you feel like it's something to be avoided.  Something that will cause you damage. 

I guess that's where I've been lately.  Trying to figure out if I'm in a rut.  A spiritual rut.  Lord knows my routine has been thrown for a loop with the dog and being sick and my back falling apart.  No, no routine here.  So what's with this feeling?    I mean it kind of seems like a no brainer.  Either you're in a rut or you're not.  But just because I might be somewhere I don't want to be doesn't mean I need to try to get out.  It doesn't mean I'm in a rut or stuck at all. 

God promises in Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth."  I don't have any answers yet.  But I have this verse.  And things right now are rocky and uncertain and there are moments when I feel face down in a puddle of rut water.  I'm not exactly sure what will cure this unrest I have.  Especially since I've been told to rest.  By scripture, my doctor, my back.  I only know I'm waiting for God to make the rough places smooth.  Maybe I should stop and wait for him to fix the road ahead and stop spinning my wheels and going nowhere.  There are all these verses about running the race and I know them all.  But I'm not sprinting anymore.  I'm in this race for the long haul and maybe it's okay sometimes to stop at a water station and catch my breath for a second. 

But the to-do list must be crossed off!  You must end each day with a list of things you've accomplished!  Keep on keepin on and God helps those who helps themselves!  There is a lot of jibber jabber in my ear about how much I should not rest.  I must never give off the stench of laziness.  Idle hands are the devil's playground.  But there is a whisper of a voice telling me to be still.  I wonder if I can convince my husband that Jesus told me not to do the dishes!  Take a moment, take a breath, and wait.  The path God is preparing still has some potholes in it that he's working on.  I'll get there when I get there.  That's tough to hear for a lead foot like me ;)     

We Interrupt Your Normal Life To Bring You...A Dog

This past week was a blur for us.  What was supposed to be a one night deal may have turned into a life changing event.  We currently have a dog living with us.  He's a stray and he's a beautiful sweet husky.  My brother-in-law found him coming out of the woods near our apartments and I offered to let the dog stay with us for the night instead of by himself in an empty apartment.  He was supposed to go live with my mom and dad while we tracked down the owners. 

That was a week ago.  I've searched every online lost and found board I can think of and nothing has happened.  With every lead I chase, I hold my breath and hope it doesn't pan out.  But I keep looking because anyone with a dog this sweet would surely want him back, right?  Maybe they know something about him we don't.  Maybe they're bad people.  I don't know.  All I know is I haven't been this sleep deprived and happy since our last baby was born.  I'm holding back my heart though because if his owners show up and I have to surrender him, I'll cry for days.  That statement right there lets me know there's not much of my heart left to hold back. 

We have called him Max.  My husband says it's short for "Maximus Prime."  I'm sticking with Max from "Where the Wild Things Are."  I don't know if this is a good idea.  I don't know how long he will be with us or how long we can handle it.  I know we're blessed though.  I know that as tired as I am, he has woken me up. 

I've been making a list since my last blog of all the blessings we've received.  From free clothes to free dog treats, the grill, the house cleaning, the babysitting, the dogsitting, the list goes on and on.  I know there is no way I can equal what has been given to us but that's not the point anyway. 

Even in the midst of all these blessings bad things have happened.  Thankfully things turned out okay.  Coen has been to the ER two Mondays in a row.  He's still alive.  He cut his knee but didn't need stitches and he swallowed a magnet but it's smaller than the quarter he swallowed so everything should come out just fine :)  Now I'm just waiting for the dog to eat something. 

My running has suffered.  Even though I have new shoes.  Yay!  Running with a dog is an exercise in staying upright.  I have fallen once.  Not fun but I have always been afraid that I would fall while I was running.  I'm kind of clumsy.  Well, I finally fell so I can cross that off my list of things to be afraid of.  If my goal is a half marathon I have a long way to go. 

The kids love him.  Coen is an animal person.  Max brings out the calm in him.  Aria is fascinated by the way his ears move and Tobin is thrilled to finally have a dog of his own.  We're working on getting shots and a crate this week.  Our normal may have forever changed.