You know how when someone gives you something that goes above and beyond what you can even rationalize? When friends hook you up, well, it's because you're friends. They gave me a baker's dozen but I already bought a dozen, so it's an appropriate perk, right? But when complete strangers give your kids free cupcakes just because you can't afford it, what's the catch? What's the reason? Why should YOU get a cupcake and not the next broke person? Why can't they just have one and split it? No kid needs that much sugar anyway.
This has been the soundtrack of my year. Countless times we have been loved on not only by people we know but by complete strangers. And I'm left speechless. Sometimes with gratitude, I'm definitely getting better at it, sometimes with wounded pride, vowing to avenge the attack of kindness by being kind to someone else. Sometimes we call it paying it forward but I'll bet sometimes it's to ease the guilt. The "who am I?" guilt. Why not the next person? How can I be standing here with my arms full when so many are still so empty? Like survivor's guilt, I suppose. How often have we survived a crisis just because someone reached out to us?
I don't know what your motivation is for giving. I'm still working on mine. Sometimes it's as off the mark as playing "Even Stevens" but what a prideful thing to think that I could ever even the score. Sometimes it's nice to be in the giver's seat instead of the handout seat. Horrible thing to say but who hasn't been grateful that they aren't "that person".
This year has been a hard one on my heart. Reshaping it has not felt good. But I've been starting to get it right. Giving because that's what I was put here to do. Who else is there? Instead of praying for God to send someone to help, just help. Even though my help may be woefully insignificant compared to someone else. And accepting because this is where I am. I won't always be here but there are lessons here that nothing else can teach me. An empathy that I don't want to wash away if we ever "make it". Something that is starting now because even now I can do a small something. And my kids. Gratitude is contagious and I hope they never get over it.
I could write a whole list of things I'd like to do differently this coming year, ways I'd like to improve, experiences I'd like to never go through again! But really, I just want to end next year the same way I did this year. Grateful.
